4 Things You Should Never Do at the Beach

Thanks, Adam for reaching out.  I hope you enjoy your vacation by the sea.

I’ve spent a lot of time at the beach.  It’s truly one of my favorite places on the planet to be.  Regardless of region, country or state… The beach is a good time.

But with those good times and years of experience, I have made some costly mistakes.  There are a multitude of things you should never do at the beach,  Far more than 4 mind you, but 4 is what I’ll list here.

1.  Apply baby oil

I did this once.  I’m not fair skinned but I’m not African-American either.  I can tan, but if I stay out to long I burn like a tomato.  Well one day I watched a group of my Italian friends applying baby oil, accelerating their deep, dark, St. Tropez tans.  I did the same.  And I’ll never forget it.  I spent the next week in bed, unable to move because my body was covered with 2nd degree burns and long, pussy blisters.  Save the baby oil for the bath.  Use sunscreen.

2.  Eat sticky foods

This one should seem pretty obvious (like the aforementioned would not?).  I was stupid enough to bring a candy apple to the beach once, thinking a carnival snack would be a fun option while relaxing on the sand.  Bad call.  One bite and I was flossing sand from my teeth for a week.

3.  Bury yourself 

Recently several stories have emerged in the news about people either dying or being close to death after being ‘buried alive’.  You see, once the pressure becomes too great, the simple act of inhaling air makes the whole constrict even tighter.  And you end up suffocating yourself with every breath.  Stay out of the holes, vertical or horizontal.  You’ll live longer.

4.  Get out past the sandbar

You may fancy yourself a good swimmer  — I know I do.  But I’ve made this mistake at beaches around the world.  I swim way out where the water is calm, past the tides and over the third sandbar.  I relax, then head back in.  And almost drown every single time.  The current is fighting against you, and it doesn’t let up.  The few times I was lucky enough to have a raft were worse, as the leisurely approach didn’t help much.  I spent 6 hours beyond the third sandbar on a beach in Texas once.   When I made it back to land I passed out and was awoken six hours later by beach patrol.  Not fun.

Like I mentioned before, this could go on all day.  The list is endless: don’t fall asleep in the sun, don’t bring your laptop, don’t let your girlfriend swim naked, don’t drink moonshine to excess…

There it is, Adam.  The list goes on.  Have fun.  La playa awaits.

 

4 Reasons Ohio Blows

I just now realized that I actually had someone write in and offer a topic a few weeks back and I hadn’t yet addressed it.  My apologies to Larry B. from Ohio for taking so long to answer his query.

Well, Larry, you asked me what my opinion was of Ohio… And I am afraid this entry will be a tad anticlimactic.  The title says it all.  Now, I know you think Ohio is the greatest place on Earth — and maybe for you it is.

But this isn’t ‘4 Reasons… By Larry B.’ it’s my blog and you wanted my opinion… So here goes.

1.  Cleveland

Cleveland may be one of the saddest places on the planet.  It’s bleak, dreary, bitter cold in August and seemingly designed by men who were fans of the shoebox.  It’s not surprising that the (former) people of Cleveland are abandoning the place like rats on a sinking ship.  It’s a pit.

2.  The Cuisine

I’ve never had a good meal in Ohio that didn’t come with fries.  And I hate fast food.  So that is to say that unless you’re at a McDonald’s or Wendy’s or JITB, you’re outta luck.  The state beverage is canned and processed tomato juice.  Need I say more?  If so, look no further than the watery gruel called Skyline chili they ladle onto overcooked pasta and call it a meal.  Turkish prisoners eat better.

3.  The Ohio State University

Okay, Larry, TOSU is a fine institution.  Kudos to you for being employed there.  But let’s talk about the arrogance, belligerence and total ignorance of the school’s “leaders” like E. Gordon Gee and to a lesser extent Gene Smith.  Not only did they have full awareness that the football program was cheating, but they broomed it under the rug just so they could win a football game — the Sugar Bowl versus Arkansas (from the hated SEC).  With the cooperation of Jim Delaney, they proclaimed their program ‘clean’.  What a joke.  I guess the denizens of Ohio don’t mind… Who else are they going to root for — The Akron Zips?

4.  Booger said it best…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yR-D9oSMLBw

So there you have it Larry B.  I hope I didn’t burn any bridges with you.  If so, I will be glad to offer you safe passage to Michigan, California or Texas… Or any of the other 49 states people from Ohio are fleeing too.

But then again you live in the greatest place on Earth.  Best of luck.