4 Reasons The Americans on FX blows

TV.  They say it is the Golden Age.  Shows like Game of Thrones, True Detectives, The Good Wife, Mad Men, Breaking Bad — they all have (or had) two things in common: they’re wildly popular and critical darlings.

I watched all of these shows.  Some of them were riveting, others were clearly made with quality and care by their creators.  They all honor their audiences, and that always brings me back for more.  In my — mind you, amateur — analysis, I’ve ascended to a level of discerning per my viewing habits and I like to think I have good taste.  Bottom line: I’m loyal.

If a show pushes me further and further off the ‘suspension of disbelief plank’, I will begrudgingly tiptoe to the edge and even drop and hang on from my fingernails if I feel as if the show has engendered some good will.  But, if the blatant disregard for audience believability shoves me over — I don’t swim back aboard to give the next episode just one more chance.  I sink.  And I disappear forever.

And recently, that is what has happened with The Americans.  Here are my 4 reasons that it frankly… Blows.

1.  Russian spies dressed as janitors don’t break into American army bases and kill people

If ever writers and/or show creators have asked people to just ‘go with it’ for the sake of “drama” — this would have to be one of those instances.  The episode, titled “Arpanet” had the lead character of Phillip dressed up as a janitor, break into a heavily guarded US Army base (one would assume Fort Meade, Myer or McNair) kill a man, then literally walk out of the base completely unimpeded AFTER a full base alert went into affect.  Um……… No.

2.  Main characters immediately do things that they earnestly claim to hate

In the first episode of Season 2, “Comrades”, at the 3:23 mark, Phillip speaks vulnerably, sympathetically even about hating “all of this killing”.  Then, within 90 seconds he whacks three people he is working WITH, walks into a kitchen and kills a young, innocent bus boy.  I’m quite certain this was not a situation where the writers and/or creators are exhibiting a character’s moral dilemma and inner conflict.  Because in the very next scene, Phillip walks into his beautiful home, kisses his hot wife, sits down and eats a huge meal.  That’s contentment — and it’s also crap.

3.  Characters change in and out of elaborate disguises in mere seconds (or apparently, nanoseconds)

This is a pervasive issue with The Americans.  At least 3 times during every single episode, a character will slip into an extremely elaborate disguise, perform some task where they are NEVER caught or recognized because their disguises are so incredible (and bulletproof mind you) to only then reappear at home with bags of groceries before their children notice they were even gone.  This is not dramatic or creative license, this is completely implausible in every way imaginable.  Have you ever tried to properly put on a wig or fake facial hair?  Apply a prosthetic?  According to the experts, it takes up to an hour and a half when including entire routine (shaving, cleaning).  And then to remove with zero noticeable evidence of it ever being worn — another hour (most of the time, showering or washing glue off, powder or make up removal).  And if that isn’t enough…

4.  They’re just plain lazy! 

Please see below.  In the final episode titled, “The Kids are Not All Right” I noticed something very troubling.  These photos were taken with my phone, and they took place in back to back scenes at the end of the final episode.

1.  Here is the entrance to the Jennings’ home — Elizabeth is coming in the front door.  Please notice the staircase, wall shape, door position (where handle is) and floor.

The Jennings’ foyer.

2.  Here is the entrance to the Beaman’s home — Stan (in mirror) is coming in the front door.  Please notice the staircase (exact same), wall shape (exact same), door position (exact same) and floor (exact same).

The Beaman’s foyer.

The only thing they changed was the mirror on the wall and the table underneath it.  And they added fake flowers in the Beaman’s home (unlikely, he’s separated).  That is all they did.  Even the lighting configuration (notice hot spots)  is the exact same.

THEY MOVED TWO THINGS AND SWAPPED ANOTHER.  That’s it.

Are you kidding me???  Really???  Is this not network TV???  It was at this moment I realized that we are in the middle of the Golden Age of TV.  With one exception…

The Americans.  If 1,2 or 3 didn’t leave you gasping for air — sinking to a watery grave, number 4 is the anchor around your leg.

Luckily, I’ve found dry land.  I’ve stopped watching.

 

4 Reasons Men Should Never Wear Bandanas in Public

Bandanas.  The word itself is weird.  Say ‘bandanas’ 20 times in a row, and the word DOESN’T lose all meaning.  That’s weird.

Another weird thing about bandanas is the way they’ve emerged back into our collective wardrobes.  I have yet to see a man that can pull one off well (and I can’t think of any women that do either).  Yet, bandanas, in various forms, have revisited our fashion main stage in a big, big way.

There are four reasons this should never (have) happen(ed).

1.   Willie Robertson

A true patriot…

We’re all familiar at this point what Willie used to look like (see definition of “preppie” in any dictionary that recognizes it as a word, and you’ll see Willie).  Now, he uses his infamous stars and stripes bandana to hawk wooden duck whistles.  Still doesn’t look good.

2.  The Hipster Look

Maaaaaybe would work without the headwear.

We can all just stop fighting it, take our lumps and soldier on knowing that the hipster look is here to stay.  Sure you can roll your eyes — but they’ll out-roll you.  But with this hip’star’, take away the bandana and he’s just a lumberjack (although a very slight, clean shaven one) with weird glasses.  But add the bandana, and voila… Instant bad-ness.

3.  The Wrap Around

One in a trillion.

Okay, so it works on Tupac.  But he’s the ONLY one it worked on.  Don’t try it.  Just… Don’t try it.

4.  Biebs

Oh lord no.

Need I say more?  Need I say one syllable more?

No.

4 Ways to Become Famous on the Internet (AND BEYOND!!!)

Internet fame.  It’s what everybody wants.  In my vast and innumerable experiences in web researchology, I have found that there are 4 sure fire, iron clad, absolute guaranteed ways to get famous on the internet.  And as the title of the post suggests… Beyond.

1.  Get a weird cat.  Exploit it.

Hamilton the Hipster Cat.  Little Bub.  Colonel Meow.  They’re popular.  They’re cute.  They’ve got hundreds of thousands of Twitter followers.  They’re all the rage on the internet.  You can buy stickers with their likenesses on them.  Caps.  Coffee mugs.  Pens.  You can watch videos of them daily.  Cats like these have the lazy and greedy (or perhaps fortunate and cat loving) people of the world scrounging the shelters and adoption centers for interesting looking cats they can monetize on the web.  The formula is simple: get interesting cat, give it a goofy name, post pics… CASH IN!

Oh and let’s not forget the one who started it all (name withheld for legal reasons).

“I’m rich, bitches. Actually… My owners are.”

2.  Make a racist comment captured on video.  Video goes viral.  Apologize insincerely on video.

This one’s a little trickier.  You have to start with some level of public interest before you completely alienate everyone who thought you were righteous and cool.  If you try this and you’re not well known, people will just think you’re an idiot, and dismiss you as a tool (rightfully so).  But if you’re at least as famous as Riley Cooper, Michael Richards or Paula Deen — this is your ticket to uber-stardom.

Great usage of the obligatory ‘apologetic mouth cinch’ (should have kept it that way).

3.  Start a political scandal.

Weiner anyone???!!!

“It was just like this.”

4.  Two words: sex tape. 

“I want it all. No… I said — ALL!”

Fame.  It’s what you want.  Now get to it, plebes.

 

4 Reasons I am a Football Genius

Finally.  No… FINALLY.  I have managed to procure 20 minutes from the (amazing) newlywed stage of my still new marriage and I have the time to address something I have wanted to address for a loooooooooong time.

My football genius.

Back in December of last year (an eternity for bloggers — I know, I’m a veritable sloth) I claimed that the Baltimore Ravens might win it all after firing Cam Cameron.  And what did they do?

They won it all.

And that had everything to do with the firing of Cam Cameron.  Need proof?  Here are 4 people/pieces of said proof that solidify my claim of football ‘genius-ness’.

1.  Anquan Boldin

Before Cameron was fired, Boldin was averaging 4.14 catches a game.  They simply weren’t throwing him the ball enough.  After Cameron’s release, including the playoffs, Boldin averaged 5.8 catches a game.  Including this one…

The game winner.

…San Francisco head coach Jim Harbaugh was so enamored with Boldin, he went out and signed him in free agency.  Anquan 1, Cameron 0.

2.  Joe Flacco

It was an obvious fact to all Ravens fans that Flacco and Cameron didn’t see eye to eye about… Anything.  Cameron was uber-conservative and predictable, and Flacco wanted to sling it around.  One could argue that the passing game is what got the Ravens past Denver in the divisional round, and it was without question the reason they beat the Patriots in venerable Gillette Stadium in the AFC Championship game.  Flacco had 3 touchdown passes — his all-time high against the Patriots.  Not only did the Ravens correctly side with Flacco, they later made him the highest paid player in the NFL.    Flacco 1, Cameron 0.

Joe Cool.

3.  Jim Caldwell

In less than a year with the team, Jim Caldwell went from the quarterback coach, to the interim offensive coordinator, to Super Bowl Champion, to the permanent offensive coordinator.  In 4 years with the team, Cam Cameron couldn’t get the team past the AFC  Championship game, despite intimate knowledge of the personnel and the teams he was up against.  Caldwell 1, Cameron 0.  (And that is HUGE “1”).

All smiles.

4.  Steve Bisciotti

On December 11th, the day Cameron was let go, the Baltimore media skewered team owner Bisciotti.  They claimed that the firing of Cameron with just three games left in the season smacked of a “panic move” and the Ravens would be lucky to make the playoffs.  Well, Bisciotti had seen enough (like everyone else that closely follows the NFL) and knew it was now or never.  Flacco was pissed, the Ravens were sputtering, and Ray Lewis and Ed Reed were mere months away from retiring and becoming a Houston Texan, respectively.  The owner showed everyone that not only did he have the nerve, but he was right.  Bisciotti 1, Cameron 0.

Game. Set. Championship.

Total score:  Winners: 4, Cameron: 0

I don’t like to brag, but what can I say other than “genius”.  And just one last thing… It’s no wonder LSU can’t score.

4 Reasons Why I Haven’t Posted in 3 Months

I don’t have four reasons.  I have four words.

1.  I

2.  Finally

3.  Got

4,  Married!

I will have upcoming posts about my amazing wedding day and the start of my new life in the coming days.  Please… Feel free to post your 4 Reasons comments and give me fodder for upcoming posts.  I love your support and I love my new wife, Melanie.

Back in a flash!

 

UPDATE: Cam Cameron Fired (Someone is listening to me. Coach Harbaugh? Ozzie Newsome?)

This just in, Cam Cameron was fired today as the offensive coordinator of the Baltimore Ravens.  This is probably the move that takes Baltimore all the way.  Now, I am no Ravens fan (Cardinals — and yes I realize how demoralizing that is currently after yesterday’s debacle).  But Cam Cameron has left a trail of 6, 7, 9 and 13 point efforts in his wake and this was long overdue.

Like I cited in my blog last year:

4 Reasons the Baltimore Ravens Won’t Win It All

Now, that just may change.  Were you reading my blog Coach Harbaugh?  Ozzie Newsome?  If you had done this last year, the blog title might have been, “4 Reasons the Ravens WILL win it all.”

Now maybe, it can be.

4 Reasons Every Kiss Does Not Begin with Kay

Kay Jewelers.  If you watch any TV whatsoever during the Holidays, their commercials are ubiquitous.  Their cheesy motto, “Every Kiss Begins With Kay” will be ringing in our collective ears until at least February.  Maybe March.

As a man about to get married (I have purchased my ring already, thank you very much) I was in the market for an engagement and wedding ring for quite a while, and I shopped ’til I dropped before I found the right combo.  I even stopped in at a Kay’s in two different cities.  Needless to say, I didn’t find anything even close to what I, and more importantly my fiance’, wanted.

So that experience, and my ringing/bleeding ears, lead me to this post as I am sitting with my bride to be, wondering why every time we turn on the TV, we believe more and more that every kiss does NOT begin with Kay.

1.  The commercials 

In one of their commercials, a man tells his wife during a storm “I’m right here.”   Potentially not — if she stops to carefully consider what kind of man would propose during a deadly storm.  And worse, proposes with a ring from Kay?  Who does this?  Who gets engaged in a storm?  Are the marketing geniuses at Kay so out of the loop that they’re willing to spend millions and millions of dollars convincing us that they’re the right jeweler to use if you’re going to potentially die?  This is a scenario where no one wins.  Well done, marketers.

2.  The Stores

Almost every single Kay Jewelers I have ever seen is in a mall.  I don’t think that Kay Jewelers exists outside of malls.  Now, I know most people across the US are addicted to mall shopping, but the truth to new commercial reality is this — mall shopping is on the decline.  Maybe they should think about going a little more indie — because those stores in those malls, are as anonymous as the Orange Julius vendor who’s been out of commission since 1983.

3.  The Jewelry

Speaking from experience, have you ever been in a Kay to actually look at the jewelry selection.  It’s inferior in every way.  Everything is super chintzy and made very cheaply.  The jewels themselves are anything but special — not the message you want to send to that extra special someone.

4.  The Slogan

Okay, WE GET IT.  We get the double entendre.  We get the catchy, first letter K similarity.  We get it all and we have for decades.  Unfortunately for Kay, that’s all we need to FLIP THE CHANNEL.  Or worse, turn the TV completely off.  That’s not the way to drive people into stores, to buy the jewelry, to propose immediately preceding death.

Every kiss does not begin with Kay.  Like my fruit and vegetables, I’m glad I bought my ring locally.

4 Things Never To Do On An Airplane

Right now, as I type this, I’m 36,000 feet above the ground.  I like blogging from airplanes, it’s a novel addition to the normally staid and boring blogging environments (desks, living rooms, coffee shops).

And blogging to me is a perfectly acceptable activity on a plane. But as we all know, people have their little peccadillos, their idiosyncrasies, even their grotesque little habits, and for whatever reason — they emerge like earthworms from warm, moist dirt during plane flights.

So in the spirit of what is happening around me right this very second, I offer you fine readers four activities to NEVER do on an airline.

1.  Finish off that bag of leaky prunes

I don’t think this needs much of an explanation, but the lovely lady right next to me just happened to reveal a large bag of drenched prunes (40 count) and dust them off one by one until there was nothing left but a sticky, dripping baggie of prune juice… And a nervous computer using neighbor (me) in the aisle seat.  One way or another, I’m gonna get it (hope she IS reading this).

2.  Play footsie (barefoot) with your girlfriend across the aisle

About ten rows up, a VERY loving couple, is exhibiting that love with their feet — across the center aisle.  Sure, I’m all for expressing yourself, but there’s a limit folks.  If your girlfriend will actually put up with this (crusty, yellow nailed, toe-jam and all) then maybe she’s the problem.  Standards, girl.  Standards.

3.  Call the burly male flight attendant “Miss” repeatedly

For whatever reason, an older gent behind me can’t seem to nail down the gender of this very large, male flight attendant he has been calling “Miss” for the last 2 hours.  Kudos to the flight attendant for putting up with this (I’m sure it has been much, much worse) but now the surrounding passengers are starting to chuckle about it.  I guess it’s good for a laugh, but get it together lady.  I mean, sir.

4.  Crop dust

Surprisingly, this is not coming from the prune eater directly next door (not yet anyway) but rather, a large male that has taken to doing his exercises mid-aisle.  That alone (jamming a workout in coach) is bothersome enough… But do you have to lay cover fumes with every strained lunge?  I think what ails you may be beyond the powers of airplane calisthenics, sir.  You may need a proctologist.  Or worse, an internist.  Good God.

There, I’ve said my peace.  If my battery doesn’t run out I might get four more of these before this flight is over.  And I’m only traveling domestic.

4 Reasons the Big Ten is Pure Garbage

This one’s too easy.

1.  Overhyped

Check.

2.  Poorly prepared

Check.

3.  Distracted

Check.

4.  Weak

Check.

That was easy.

 

4 Reasons Men Should Never Wear Capri Pants

I don’t like to name call.  I am a firm believer in the age old ideology that you reap what you sow.  I refrain from it most of the time.  Except in this post.

However, there is one trend that I thought would be a mere blip on the current cultural radar that beyond baffling reasoning, doesn’t seem to be fading away.  And that is… Capri “pants”.

Therefore, I can no longer sit idly by and say nothing.  If I can aid or speed the (hopefully) inevitable demise of men in Capri pants, I will.  So I will resort to something that I do not like to do.

If you wear Capri Pants, you’re a douche.  Here’s 4 reasons why:

1.  They’re for women (maybe)

Just look at the picture here.  How does she look?  Not good.

Now you put them on.

These pants are even difficult for normally shaped women to pull off.  They’re uber feminine, and, as you can see here, they don’t even look good on the gender that they were made for.  Stay away.

2.  Ashton wears them

Sure, you might covet his lifestyle.  Or his bank account.  But do you really want his fashion sense?  How about being perceived like he is?  Pass and double pass.  See below.

Are you f*&#ng kidding me.

Nice “pants”.

3.  Everyone is going to question everything

See for yourself.

Cute. Very cute.

Sir, please turn around, go back in that dressing room, and put anything else on.  Anything.  Else.  Even jorts.

4. You will regret it dearly later

I can guarantee this guy, whomever he is, will look back on this era in his life as the worst.  He might have to actually serve in the military — the inspiration for the color and design of these particular Capri pants — and it will seem like a walk in the park compare to his remembrance of the day he paid for, and wore these Capri pants.

Sandals working too there, brah.

Capri pants.  Don’t.  Ever.  Do it.  That is all.