4 Reasons Prometheus Was Total Garbage

I went to see Prometheus last night, and to say I was disappointed would be an understatement as large as the flaws (and these were chasms people) in the film.  I could only think of 5 words: What happened to Ridley Scott?

When I was growing up, he was my directorial hero. Alien was truly a masterstroke, and then he followed that up with Blade Runner.  A brilliant film.  Those are two of my favorite movies of all time.  He hasn’t made a good movie since…

So when I caught wind of Prometheus a while back I was pumped.  Excited like a 10 year old on Christmas Eve.  I knew I would be there on opening weekend.  And I was.

What a waste of time and money.  I cannot recommend even watching the trailer for Prometheus, much less the entire film.  And here are 4 reasons why:

1.  You don’t give a rats ass about anybody

In Alien, you cared about almost all of that rag-tag group of space cavaliers.  But you especially cared about Ripley.  She was a character you wanted to see survive.  To win.  In Prometheus, the set up is the same.  Noomi Rapace is the Ripley character (I can’t even remember her name, and I saw it last night) that leads the mission and has the weight of the world(s) on her shoulders — and you couldn’t care less.  Not only are you waiting for the film to end, you’re waiting for her to die so it could end.  Her dialogue was goofy, she did totally un-credible things, and her “faith” was completely ham-fisted.  It was beyond bad.  It was excruciating.

2.  Just because you have better SFX, doesn’t mean you should use them

In Alien, there were very few special effects gimmicks.  They explained why the ship had gravity (although briefly) they used the tools they needed to in order to keep the story going, and they kept it simple.  Same with Blade Runner.  There were hovercars and some interesting weapons.  In both… It worked.  The machines or technology of the day didn’t get in the way of the story — they added to it.  Not in Prometheus.  There are so many pointelss special effects in this film, it takes you OUT of the world you’re supposed to be engaged in. They just get worse and worse and worse.  At one point, a holograph of the “father of mankind” is playing a flute with a bubble keyboard, orchestrating a mission to destroy Earth.  Ludicrous.

3.  The aliens were laughable

In Alien, there was one alien.  ONE.  And it was terrifying.  It couldn’t be killed and ate people or stored them to use as incubators for their offspring.  But in Prometheus there are no less than 6 villains.  Including… Grub worms.  Once I saw those (they looked like the little worms my Grandfather used to give me to go fishing) I knew I was going to be in for a long ride.  They ranged from the silly to the stupid, and they were never scary.  And further, the humanoid that apparently fathered mankind decided he was also evil and wanted to kill everyone in his path.  It made zero sense, it made the movie longer, and it made everyone around me laugh.  Prometheus was not a comedy.  Well, not intentionally.

4.  They didn’t show us the sex!

As the movie dragged on and on and on and on, there was one moment where I thought — this movie could use some nudity.  That’s how desperate I was for some sort of reprieve or respite from the disaster that was this film.  So Charlize Theron (who, while beautiful, is saddled with the silliest dialogue and storyline since The Toxic Avenger) finally relents to the sexual advances of the ridiculously simplistic captain (where is Dallas when you need him???).  I thought that there might be something in Prometheus to hang on to — even some gratuitous nudity.  But all we get is some dumb Steven Stills joke and a shot of Charlize walking away.  That’s it.  Ugh.

So Ridley finally returns to sci-fi, the genre that he mastered 30 plus years ago, and gives us Prometheus — a terminally boring, totally uninteresting, tepid movie with no one to root for and villains that were as dangerous and horrifying as melting ice cream.  In almost every way Prometheus misses the mark.  Unless you’re looking to be reminded of how much better it would be to be doing anything else.  Even digging in the ground for grub worms.